Friday, April 27, 2007

My fears

I am copying a post recently made by Blake. I thought it was a great idea and boy, did it turn out differently then I expected:
  1. Successful marriage. I'm not going to lie. Marriage is hard. It's tougher than I ever expected. But one of the most important things to me is my husband and the promises I have made to him. I don't want him to ever doubt my love for him because I have made a selfish mistake. I want to look back on our relationship and see how we have grown every year for the better.
  2. Regret. I would say that probably one of my biggest fears is having fear keep me from doing something. I can be an ambitious person in my head but when it comes to actually doing it, sometimes I let fear stop me. I fear that someday I will regret not accomplishing something because I let fear get in my way.
  3. Large groups of people. This only counts when I don't know the people that well. It gets really bad when most of the people know each other and I feel kind of like an outsider. I get really nervous and quiet. I usually don't speak until I'm spoken to and I hate that about myself. I'm working on this one because I really don't want to be known as the girl that never talked.
  4. Being a Mom. This is a big one. I worry that I won't spend enough time teaching my children the real important lessons in life. I'm afraid that my example won't be good enough. I'm afraid that maybe I became a Mother too young. That maybe since I chose to start my family at such a young age, my kids will miss out on the maturity that an older Mother could have given them.
  5. Money. I never have had much respect for money. Despite the teachings of my parents, I have always been out of control with money. Luckily, Blake is the opposite. He is very wise when it comes to money. I go through periods where I don't even think about how much money I am spending. I don't want to put my family in a tight financial situation because of my inability to keep the debit card in my purse.
  6. The unknown. As much as I like to think that I am a pretty relaxed person, sometimes I get scared thinking about the unknown. Like, where will I be in 5 years? What will Blake's employment situation be like? How many kids will we have? Where will we be living? Sometimes I think it would be so nice to have some of my questions answered about the future.
  7. Confrontation. Just saying that word makes me shudder. It's probably because I have yet to master this skill. I believe there is a good and bad way to handle each situation. Up until now, I have always seemed to choose the bad way. I avoid confrontation like the plague. This, I have found, only makes things worse. Much worse.
  8. Heights. This is a new one for me. I have this horrible fear of falling. At one of the local malls, there are walkways on the second floor that are made of glass bricks. I am terrified of walking across them. I hate driving across bridges. This isn't something I tell people. I don't avoid heights, I just don't enjoy them.
  9. Living in Utah the rest of my life. This may come across really bad. I'm sorry if it does. I have come to love Utah. I have enjoyed my life here. But I miss living by the ocean. I miss the diversity found elsewhere. I don't like the snow. I think this may be a case of "the grass is always greener," but I really do fear being stuck here the rest of my life.
  10. Religion. As I have made this list, I kept thinking about how I should be adding something about my beliefs. Shouldn't I fear God? I'm not perfect so shouldn't I be worried that I'm not living up to all His commandments? Shouldn't I be concerned that I won't make it to the celestial kingdom? As I really thought about this, I realized fear is not a word that I have ever used to describe my testimony of the gospel. In fact, it's the exact opposite - HOPE. I know I'm not living up to every standard that I should be. In fact, I have a lot of work to do. But I don't feel scared about this. I know there is hope for me. As long as I make an effort every single day to be better, then I know I am going to be okay. In fact, through the gospel, I can feel peace with all of my fears. As one of my favorite sayings goes, "Feed your faith and your fears will starve."
My #10 fear didn't come about until I got to #10. I promise. It just happened that way.


Jordan McCollum said...

I totally feel ya on #9--especially just a few weeks after my family went home after their visit. Tear.

Loved #10. It's always bothered me when people talk about fearing God. I've always been drawn to these verses:

"We have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. We love him, because he first loved us" (1 John 4:16-19).

The Mullins said...

I have to comment on #4. Being one of those "mature" moms (i.e. I was 30 when I had my first), I can tell you that there are some advantages to starting your family later. But there are just as many advantages to having your children when you are younger. I don't have the energy and stamina I did in my 20s. I am also not quite as flexible as I was then (you get stuck in your ways as you age!) I think the bottom line is that whenever you are blessed with children, no matter what phase in life, they will benefit from the person you are! It's a good thing Moms come in all shapes, sizes, and ages!!

Jacki said...

Thanks for sharing this! I read both your and Blake's list. You two seem to be made for each other. Both of you fear most of the same things. That will keep you two in check!

I think Brooks and I should do this. His #1 fear is writing lists, so it probably won't happen!